Drowning in Change
by TheLyricalSymphony
Summary: Shirabu knew the pressure would great but he didn't think it would be this great and now he's drowning in change and all he can do is seek comfort in the familiarity of insults and hot headed quips


Be the best captain you can be.

 _(Be better than Ushijima.)_

Be the best setter you can be.

 _(Be better than Kageyama.)_

Be the best senpai you can be.

 _(Be better than the previous third years.)_

Be the best you _you_ can be.

 _(Be better than everyone else.)_

He's trying. God is he trying. But it's all too much for Shirabu. He knew the pressure would be great, following in the footsteps of Ushijima. But god he didn't expect the pressure to be this great. Didn't expect to be defeated by Karasuno like that, didn't expect all eyes to be on him because he's _not_ Ushijima and he's _not_ Kageyama. He's Shirabu. He's stable and dependable but isn't what everyone wants him to be. But there they are, eyes watching his every move, burning him, scalding him in pressure and with the added stress of class, of exams and university, of life itself, it was all suffocating. He hadn't expected any of this and yet here he was. Drowning. Trying to tread water, trying to keep up, trying to breach the surface and just _breathe_ again. Trying to get accustomed to the change.  
Trying.

Trying.

 _Trying._

 _Failing.  
_ Failing and drowning.  
He needs help. But from whom. Goshiki? Surely it's not "being the best senpai" to offload his troubles on his underclassman. Kawanishi then? Surely it's not "being the best captain" to pile all his problems on his team, especially as they're in the same year and therefore going through some of the same stress then. So a third year maybe. Ushijima? No, he's still the unattainable ace. Tendou? The male felt he might regret divulging to the redhead, despite how enthusiastic he was to keep in touch with his former teammates. Reon? No, he didn't seek comfort right now, didn't want to appear like a young child seeking help from a sibling. No he wanted insults and hot headed quips. He wanted to feel like he did when he first joined the team, when he replaced the current setter as the team's main setter. He wanted to feel like nothing had changed, like he wasn't drowning. Shirabu seeked familiarity. He seeked familiarity in the form of Semi Eita.

This wasn't the first time he'd thought this. In another panic stricken moment he'd asked Tendou for the other's number, simply stating that he wanted tips on his setting. But he couldn't get himself to text or call, instead allowing the number to sit in his contacts unused. But this was different. If he did nothing he was sure that he might not ever reach the surface again, sure that he'd end up sinking to the bottom and would never recover. So he texted. He wasn't expecting the other to call back.

"This is the same Shirabu who insisted on being a brat for the two year we were on a team together?" The voice was light and there's a sense of surprise and possibly happiness and the frustration the blond was expecting isn't there.

"Well I'm sure you don't know too many Shirabu's if that's how you greet them." he tries to keep the panic and tenseness out of his own voice but there's still a strain he can't hide.  
"Sorry, just hadn't expected you of all people to get in contact with me." He's no surprised there. He had never original intended to keep in contact with the elder, forgoing getting his number when he graduated. Funny what people do when they're desperate. "So why'd you call? Need help with something?" Shirabu wants to say yes, but the word catches in his throat, burns where it's lodged and he finds himself fighting off tears he hadn't been expecting. "Hey you ok? If you need to talk I'm here to hel-"

"No, you don't get to act like the good senpai now. I don't want that from _you_." Did that sound like a plea? Oh god he hopes it doesn't, hopes he sounded frustrated, hopes it's enough to egg the other on.

"Oh, so why did you call? To be a whiny brat? What does the team not like that about you, need to vent it off elsewhere?" There's still lightness in Semi's voice, a teasing tone and he can't handle this. It's what he wanted and yet it isn't. Before that voice would have been harsh, would have tried to cut him and now it's soft. Soft and dare he say caring. And he thinks it hurts more than the first time the elder snapped at him when he first joined the team, when he was trying to do his best to impress him. He snaps back himself, and they argue. But they don't. It's the same as before yet completely different. Semi's heart isn't in like before, or is in it differently and Shirabu's close to breaking fully.

"Seriously what's wrong with you? You clearly call me just to start a fight. You sound like you're on the edge of tears. Just tell me and let me help you."  
"I'm tired. I'm going to go now. Night Semi." There's a sigh, full of static and disappointment and it squeezes at the younger's heart in a way he doesn't like. He doesn't want to hear that sound. Not now, not like this.  
"Alright, but just know I'm here for you if you need me. I know I wasn't the best senpai in how I handled our friendship but I still want you to come out on top okay? There was a reason you became the main setter and a reason why you're now captain. If you need to talk I'm here if you, you know, get over yourself." Shirabu hangs up and throws his phone to the other end of the bed, tears sliding down his cheeks and he can't stop them. He tries. He always tries. And all he can think is how dare him. How dare he change. How dare he acts like he cares. How dare he play the role of the caring senpai _now_ , when that was the last thing he needed. How dare he change from the Semi Eita he knew. He thinks back to his past two years at Shiratorizawa, to any and all interactions with Semi. At the setter he benched. At the senpai who gave him advice despite that fact. Advice he then ignored out of spite and pride. He thinks back on all of it and realised it was never like he thought it was. Semi had always been good at the caring senpai act, in his own way. Had always been there to help regardless of how either really felt. But now he was more mature. Was filling out that role even better. It was never the familiarity Shirabu once thought it was and now, whatever it was, had changed and there was nothing he could do about it. His one life line snaps and he screams into his pillow.


End file.
